Kurkindale Issue B1

The Re-Filing of Kurkle and Dale
(Available in German by utilizing the ICH, HABS! button on your computer)
VOLUME B ISSUE 1
August 26, 2003

FOUNDER: Frederick P. Schmertz
EDITOR-IN-CHIEF: D.T. Stein
‘SORRY!’ COORDINATOR: Gordon Fibish
‘HASTA LA VISTA, BABY’ SAYER: Danielle Sanders
SWEET TEA HISTORIAN: Miles Delucia
LONG DIVISION: Maria Barnwell
WRITERS: Junior A. Sherman
Bog Piso



TODAY’S TOP STORIES



NEW SCHOOL YEAR BEGINS; RAINBOW-COLORED BUSES VOTED DOWN

All over america schools have opened for the new year, marking the 430th consecutive year this has happened. As usual, school supplies are a top priority as students purchase that last pen or marker that will most likely be used for bathroom stall graffiti.

With overcrowding becoming a major concern in schools nationwide, the addition of trailers becomes a necessity to accommodate the extra students. Over 60% of schools now have trailers and 35% of those are brown.

Most parents are ‘anti-trailer’ and ‘pro-complain,’ yet they’re being asked to encourage their child despite the overcrowding. Some encouragements that are being encouraged include the distribution of colorful "keep up the good work" buttons and attention.

Once again, attempts will be made to improve academics in schools this year. Administrators believe better teaching would be the best solution while teachers believe a more sober administration would. Teaching has been steadily declining in america since the early 1850’s and experts believe that decline will continue.

Other experts believe similarly.

But the students maintain a responsibility as well. Most students don’t enjoy school and some are clueless as to where school is actually located. As a result new reward programs are being introduced this year for students who excel. Some of the programs include: ‘A Weekend with your Gym Teacher,’ ‘Take your Remote Controlled Car to School Day’ and ‘Cigarettes.’ Meanwhile the severity on punishments will increase as most schools have brought back ruler whipping and long distance running.




BOY LIGHTS HAND ON FIRE, BLAMES TV SHOW DUM-DUM; PARENTS RUSH HOME FROM VACATION

Palley---For the third time in as many months a young lad in Palley has played with fire and gotten b.u.r.n.e.d (burned). Travis Huntley, 14, was found by a neighbor and checked into Palley Medical with 2nd degree burns. He blamed the show, Dum-Dum and its host Von James, after seeing their ‘Torch Tom’ skit. The commercial break might have saved Travis Huntley’s life as the ‘Skateboard off buildings into Feces’ stunt was coming up.

The boy’s parents, Ike and Priscilla Huntley, were vacationing most everywhere when they heard the news and took the first flight home to see their young son. Priscilla barely got to taste her glass of Dsha’Vindare wine at dinner.

The Huntleys had purchased a satellite dish just weeks before their vacation to "add onto the bridge overseeing their generation gap," according to the family’s butler/uncle, Morris.

"We got him his own remote control AND holster and this is how he thanks us?!" said Priscilla while returning a shot against the Vanlake sub-division in the round robin tennis tournament last Thursday. Ike Huntley refused comment.

Travis is resting comfortably with burns to the hand and wrist. He also has a math worksheet due in three days.

The newsletter will stay with the worksheet and provide up-to-the-minute reports regarding any fraction involvement.



Classifieds


FOR SALE


Mashed potatoes.
Hearty portion.
$1
Call Ned 444-0001

Peter Jr.
Age 5
Enjoys watching Captain Hesitant cartoons.
Sleeps about a half hour per day.

$15 or best offer
Call Diane and Kenny 777-8825

Selling used books

Hillary Corrola Dennis Haskins
Hayden Cobb A Day with Vanilli; A Day with Milli
Maurice Reynolds Learn to Power Walk
Janice Lynch The Collected Poetic Works of Irv Caldwell
Norclave Publishing SKETCHES by Dave Coulier
Patty Garrison HEARTHROB BOOKS:
Danny Bonaduche (#HT41)

ALL 7 FOR $.95
call Gary 777-8840




Personal Ads



Men seeking women

37, SWM. Pretty good at driving with my knee. Looking for a woman with 2+ years of Christmas caroling experience.
Ryan box #86103

Trying to find a woman to bring to my 25-year high school reunion so I don’t have to go with my mother, Blanche. Call me.
Chaz box #22227

I enjoy Jonie Seville records, impersonating elevator repairmen and milk carton expiration date arguments. Would like to finally meet a woman with all her limbs.
Thomas box #27773

Will provide criminal record if necessary.
Harrison box #11001

Women seeking men

Come make some babies with me, it’ll be easy.
Mary box #88889

I’m completely devoted to the lord, our savior, Latoya Jackson. Call for directions to my house, among other things.
Linda box #42428


Tie me up with chicken wire
Will provide chicken wire.


Alan box #10105




------
Next issue: Making the Christian Rock video.

Kurkindale Issue B5

Kekkumdale Heights 07871
Volume B Issue 5
July 21, 2004
editor-in-chief: Hans Pipgras
stories: Finnish Feller
celery: Schmertz


MORRIS RETIRES, CLAIMS "NOTHING LEFT TO PROVE"

APALANTEE, Ga.--Local feline, Morris, has decided to call it a career. After compiling a 63-3 record with 57 knockouts, the veteran fighter announced his retirement near his litter box, Tuesday night. Morris had been crippled by ear problems throughout his 1 ½ -year career and it finally caught up to him.

"Narrerrr!!!" said Morris through an interpreter.

The Hall of Wayne should come calling soon.


Some of Morris’ most memorable bouts:

August 21, 2003---Morris’ debut against Pierre (cat). Few spectators witnessed the now-famous fight, but those who were there claimed Morris was "unstoppable" and "horny."

October 13, 2003---defeated Jersey (dog) by technical knockout in the 5th round. It was the first and only fight between the two legends.

November 4, 2003---cat, Sam, disqualified for biting above the whiskers. With the victory, Morris passes Jake for most wins by a neutered feline (33).

December 10, 2003---the only time he ever loses by knockout. An intense bout with a bookcase lasts all night and Morris is eventually defeated by a copy of "Finnegans Wake."

March 22, 2004---first fight with Hideki (dog). After an epic battle, Morris administers his famous "around the world nibble" and wins in the 38th round.

June 26, 2004---loses first and only fight to Hideki. Afterwards, Morris is seen outside arena inhaling cinnamon-flavored cat nip. It is seen as a black eye for the sport.

July 2, 2004---In what turned out to be his last fight, Morris defeats a living room couch in the 11th round.





MAN FINDS POO
From wire surfers

Records were made to be broken, and another has fallen in Wayley County.

Poo was found at the old Godfrei home, Tuesday night, a third-such sighting in the past week. It was immediately declared "Longest Ever" by several drifters. Randy Godfrei was walking around in his underwear and corn chips when he spotted the poo resting behind a couch cushion. He immediately thought of his dog, Irv.

"I shouted out ‘Irv! Irv!’………but nothin’," said Godfrei.

Godfrei also judged the dropping "Longest Ever", topping a December, 1998 poo that nipped the 19-inch mark. A plaque rests in Godfrei’s lawn from the ’98 poo and it might have a dance partner soon pending conference measurements.

"Biggest turd I ever seen, people included," added Godfrei.



Classifieds
For sale:

Books—
The Lawsuit of Red "Billy" October (Gregory L. Ames)
Careful! (Part of the SURVIVAL SERIES) (Richmond Lanley)
The Day I Met Candace Cameron (Hayden Cobb)
Dude, Where’s my Inhaler? (Lyle Hannigan)

Records—
Mark Harvey and the Cabbage Worms –- Why Can’t We Be Ambidextrous?
DJ Sunflower Seed -- Shrimpin’ Aint Easy
The 3rd Cousins –- Live! With Heart Conditions
Jane Jay –- Orville Redenbacher
Tina Howard –- I Left My Love in the Amoco Men’s Room

Call Betsy and Vance 888-8185


Cabbage—
$3
Please, only serious offers.
Blake 777-1142






Personal Ads

Men seeking women

39 SWM Just returned from the war (on low prices, at work). Looking for some quick lovin’ ‘round back.Dexter box 99902
29 SBM Fourth marriage just ended, again. Never get re-married at a friend’s wedding. Trying to find Ms. Right. Call me.Wade box 63632
Hi.Ladanien box 41072
Not into the candles and all of the flowers and candy stuff. Looking for a woman. Must be 17 or over, I’ve been told.
Al box 38818

Women seeking men

I just need a man with a working car.Treena box 83880
SWF, 30-or-40ish. Have an enormous appetite for life, and Three Musketeers bars. Call me.Mary box 55571
I have several cats. Give me a call, maybe Maurey Povich is on, we could watch it together over the phone.
Kiesha box 70045

I’m not into playing games (except for roller hockey).
Patricia box 34829

More news, but down here……

COLLEGE FOOTBALL TEAM TO PLAY WITHOUT GOALPOSTS
With the new football season less than two months away, the University of Cambley announced the removal of both of the goalposts at Art Genovese Anotelli-Angelo Field. There are several reasons for the change: the Fighting Ravens were last in the Southerland Football Conference last season in field goal attempts; in a recent poll, alumni hated the color yellow; and stadium officials would like to add additional seating in the end zones.

"When you think about it, we really don’t need them," said Cambley head coach, Early Bainbridge. "It’s an eyesore to see those things in the end zones and we haven’t won a big game in so long, I don’t even think our fans would know how to tear them down. Plus, our defense is gonna be outstanding."

Cambley has never won a Division Z football championship and last had a winning season in 1937. Bainbridge, in his 3rd year as head coach, enjoys cop shows, herbal tea and has been married twice.

The newsletter will provide constant updates on this story in co-operation with Cambley’s Hall Monitor Supervisor—sophomore, Gus Jankowski.

"Do you have a bathroom pass?" Jankowski said.






Next issue: the importance of impotence.

Kurkindale Issue B4

Christmas Kurkindale
Volume B Issue 4
December 20, 2003

Editor-in-chief: Frederick P. Schmertz
Writers: Junior A. Sherman, Bog Piso
Santa Claus’ whereabouts exaggerator: Tiym Kaynworp




MALL SANTA UNDER THE MICROSCOPE AGAIN

For the third consecutive week a mall Santa Claus, Tony Armstrong, is in hot water. A group of parents who recently brought their children to see Armstrong have asked for his removal from the mall’s CHRISTMAS RECLINER. Most of the complaints involve Armstrong’s repeated use of the word fanny and his refusal to let certain children on his lap, forcing them to "sit Indian-style a few feet away", according to Charles Holloway, a second-grader from Montega Bay Elementary.

Armstrong, 44, is also not a proponent of elf-help. He generally fires up to five elves per holiday season and his elf turnover ratio is the highest in the nation.

Mall officials have few options and will probably have to stick with Armstrong, as most halfway-decent Santas don’t bother competing with the 15-year veteran.

"He’s too good," said Jeremy Mitchell, a mall Santa Claus for the past four years. "This is Tony’s turf."

Ramon Agular, a mall Santa since 1988, shares Mitchell’s sentiments: "I remember Christmas ’91. He asked every kid if they wanted a football and whether they wanted one or not, he got a quick picture and moved them along. He’s a pro."

Other, skinnier mall officials have said that Armstrong’s behavior might have something to do with the fact that the North Pole is located just a few feet away from Cinnabon. Claire James, a cashier at the restaurant, has turned Armstrong down for a date numerous times.

"I can’t go out with a mall Santa, do you know what my friends would say?" said James, 37, while cleaning frosting off of a display case.

So the future is uncertain for Armstrong, who won a Kringle Award in 1994 for most realistic beard. But one thing is certain: he will continue to take up two spaces in the mall parking lot with his ’88 Tercel.





Classifieds


Announcements

The brand new Christmas album from SURE! THAT’S WHAT I MIGHT REFER TO AS MUSIC is in stores now! Perfect for that special someone in your family. Including classic holiday songs—:
"Reindeer Polka"
"Whose baby-daddy’s this?"
"Shem Calloway the Snowman"
"Just who in the hell is Parson Brown?"
"Rent-controlled Manger"
"It’s beginning to look a lot like January"
"No More Figgy Pudding!"


Plus—
The brand new holiday jingle---

"Ya’ll can keep ‘em (my two front teeth)"

Call 777-7717 to order



Holiday Parties!!!

Come join us for our annual Christmas Party!
Saturday, December 20th at 14 Waymont Lane in Ceeder Valley
BYON (bring your own nog)
First ten to RSVP receive a free set of
Wise Men bobble head dolls!!
Call Rick and Diane 444-4466


Jenkins, Wallowitz and Stein Law Office Christmas Party
Friday, December 19th at 9PM
Special musical performance by Naked Mrs. Clause.
Not invited: Carl Manning, Terrell James and Grace Chadwick. You all know why.


The faculty at Huntington Middle School is throwing a holiday party on Sunday, December 21st
at Antonio’s House of Rigatoni and Dr. Pepper!!
9PM---???
???---4AM

Antonio’s is located on the corner of 38th Street and Garrison Avenue in downtown East Jipley-----Call 333-0202 to RSVP





"JOLLY OLD SAINT NICHOLAS" SCRATCHED FROM ELEMENTARY SCHOOL CHORUS CONCERT

In a startling move, Wednesday evening, the Danesmore Elementary School 5th grade chorus removed longtime favorite, "Jolly Old Saint Nicholas" from their holiday set list. Lead baritone, Eddie "Kickball King" Leonard, was partly responsible for the change, claiming during recess last Friday that the song "smells."

Soprano, Amy Granger, said the song was "so 4th grade chorus." She also said she had a crush on Leonard but didn’t know for sure if he liked her.

The song had been apart of the annual holiday concert for two decades but when the group was forced to choose between it and another traditional holiday favorite, "Who’s Makin’ an Egg Nog Run?" it was a no-brainer. Danesmore chorus teacher Paul Mayfield, who had final say in the set list, stood by his decision to eliminate "St. Nicholas."

"To be second guessed is part of this business and I don’t regret my decision. Some of the lyrics are a little outdated too, like, she thinks dolls are folly. Folly? What’s folly?" said Mayfield.

Despite the controversy the concert was a success as most of the parents in attendance were sober.








Next issue: Math hunks

Kurkindale Issue B3

K.D. Esperanza!
(Not affiliated with ‘The Kirk Ankerman Newsletter’)
VOLUME B ISSUE 3
December 12, 2003

Editor-in-Chief: Frederick P. Schmertz
Writers: Junior A. Sherman, Bog Piso
Recently fired: Lauren Vandermeer, Art Richey,
Dontavius Baxter
Since: 1998
Subscription: 138,427,002





Piddle ointment



1st ANNUAL RAP AWARDS HELD--CONSIDERED "A STRAIGHT-BITCHIN’ SUCCESS"
Lanley Beach--- Dozens gathered Tuesday evening at the Ross Quigly Center on Lanley Beach for the 1st annual Rap Awards. Nearly 20 in attendance claimed of an "OK time" and several others streaked. Munneybaggs was the biggest winner, capturing the first-ever Right Said Fred Award for Excellence and Best Supporting Actor in a Sequel to a Movie Based on a Top-Selling Album. Malt Licka’ attended the ceremony with his #3 Bitch, Hannah Beverley, and won for best album. The Biography of Pierre Gonkshaw was Licka’s 4th album in the past 2 months and it featured West Side Wally and the Blood Siphon Crew. The Crew didn’t appear at the ceremony, though a man that claimed to be "chill, chill" with the Safrasal-based group appeared on Licka’s behalf.

The North Minneapolis All Stars were in the structure, performing their #1 single, "Can’t get you out of my hoopdey." Later, the All Stars won for Chubbiest Roadie and accepted the award from their van.

Sideburns received the lifetime achievement award for his work during Thong Drive this past March.

And the war of words continued between West Coast record player salesman, Lonny Cheevers and East Coast costume designer, Angela Matthews. The two had a 3-year relationship (romantic) years ago and have disliked each other since. They exchanged un-pleasantries before the ceremony so Cheever’s mother, Patty, sat between them during the show.



Other award winners:

Best music video
"Stranded in Northern Ohio" by The Juicy Fruit Snatchers (director: Liesha Austum)

Most pairs of pants
Maureen Gordon

Best new artist
Petite Doug

Longest walk to stage
Timmy Shock and the Country Weebles





REPORT: NO ONE WANTS BANK LOLLIPOPS
From wire services

Lollipops’ two-decade run atop the bank-treat totem poll is apparently coming to an end. In a recent poll, nearly 95% of Americans who have a checking or savings account said they will never eat another bank lollipop again. The main reason is lack of choice as most customers would prefer a bite-size Milky Way or even a vegetable tray.

During the Sucker Frenzy of the early 80’s, many banks across the country adopted a lollipop-friendly atmosphere in attempts to combat the hair restoration advice table craze of most drugstores nationwide. But customers have grown tired of the same, old lollipops piled high in dilapidated Easter basket.

Plus not everyone is a fan of cherry.

"I can’t tell you how many times I’ve walked into a Bank of Montaga Bay and only had the option of red or green lollipops. I mean, not everyone is into red and green," said Thomas Wayne of Seedum County.

Many share Wayne’s frustration, though not his preference for shag carpeting.

This story will remain in its developing stages until new developments are made available.




Classifieds

FOR SALE

SETH’S ELECTRONICS BLOWOUT!!!

Used video games:
Knee Cap Crusher (Atardo Co.) $4
Make Your Own Pharmaceuticals (Atardo) $4
Guns N Bombs N Bomb-Guns (Claymen Inc.) $6
Robbing Hair Salons 2050 (Tin-Tin) $3
Mario Bros. In Law XI (Peebo Co.) $5
NBA Crooks 2004 (Claymen) $2

CD’s: (all $1)
Jonie Seville, Lies and Macaroni
Ian Manning, Whistle While You Spackle
The Burt Anderson Seven, Live! Without Pants
Amanda Gregory, Newark Benders
Tanya Fleming, Mug Shots of Uncle Calvin
Brant Iverson, Aluminum Siding
The Wonton Soups, I Think We Might Have Missed the Exit

VHS/DVD (all $2)
Rocky 6—-Apollo and Mickey and Rocky Jr. and Paulie and Hank
The Teen Wolf Collection (with director’s apologies)

Seth’s is located on Highway Ulmp! in Astolia County.
Sale ends January 1st!


Dave Coulier bobblehead doll $.38
Call Steve 444-0111



Personal Ads


Men seeking women

33 SWM. I live alone, eat alone and love alone.
Harland box #200281

Looking for a woman who appreciates proper sideburn maintenance.
Oliver box #000099


Women seeking men

Searching for that special, uncut someone.
Linda box #116671

I’m a young, type of woman (45) with a passion for men who have a passion for women who hold a desperate longing for men who don’t mind an old, wrinkled woman with four children, all under the age of seven. Call me—we’ll talk about the variety of microwavable dinners in my freezer and how much you can get paid per hour for babysitting.
Angie box #41410





Next issue: The music of Irving Daniels.