Kekkumdale Heights 07871
Volume B Issue 5
July 21, 2004
editor-in-chief: Hans Pipgras
stories: Finnish Feller
celery: Schmertz
MORRIS RETIRES, CLAIMS "NOTHING LEFT TO PROVE"
Volume B Issue 5
July 21, 2004
editor-in-chief: Hans Pipgras
stories: Finnish Feller
celery: Schmertz
MORRIS RETIRES, CLAIMS "NOTHING LEFT TO PROVE"
APALANTEE, Ga.--Local feline, Morris, has decided to call it a career. After compiling a 63-3 record with 57 knockouts, the veteran fighter announced his retirement near his litter box, Tuesday night. Morris had been crippled by ear problems throughout his 1 ½ -year career and it finally caught up to him.
"Narrerrr!!!" said Morris through an interpreter.
The Hall of Wayne should come calling soon.
Some of Morris’ most memorable bouts:
Some of Morris’ most memorable bouts:
August 21, 2003---Morris’ debut against Pierre (cat). Few spectators witnessed the now-famous fight, but those who were there claimed Morris was "unstoppable" and "horny."
October 13, 2003---defeated Jersey (dog) by technical knockout in the 5th round. It was the first and only fight between the two legends.
November 4, 2003---cat, Sam, disqualified for biting above the whiskers. With the victory, Morris passes Jake for most wins by a neutered feline (33).
December 10, 2003---the only time he ever loses by knockout. An intense bout with a bookcase lasts all night and Morris is eventually defeated by a copy of "Finnegans Wake."
March 22, 2004---first fight with Hideki (dog). After an epic battle, Morris administers his famous "around the world nibble" and wins in the 38th round.
June 26, 2004---loses first and only fight to Hideki. Afterwards, Morris is seen outside arena inhaling cinnamon-flavored cat nip. It is seen as a black eye for the sport.
July 2, 2004---In what turned out to be his last fight, Morris defeats a living room couch in the 11th round.
MAN FINDS POO
From wire surfers
Records were made to be broken, and another has fallen in Wayley County.
MAN FINDS POO
From wire surfers
Records were made to be broken, and another has fallen in Wayley County.
Poo was found at the old Godfrei home, Tuesday night, a third-such sighting in the past week. It was immediately declared "Longest Ever" by several drifters. Randy Godfrei was walking around in his underwear and corn chips when he spotted the poo resting behind a couch cushion. He immediately thought of his dog, Irv.
"I shouted out ‘Irv! Irv!’………but nothin’," said Godfrei.
Godfrei also judged the dropping "Longest Ever", topping a December, 1998 poo that nipped the 19-inch mark. A plaque rests in Godfrei’s lawn from the ’98 poo and it might have a dance partner soon pending conference measurements.
"Biggest turd I ever seen, people included," added Godfrei.
Classifieds
For sale:
Classifieds
For sale:
Books—
The Lawsuit of Red "Billy" October (Gregory L. Ames)
Careful! (Part of the SURVIVAL SERIES) (Richmond Lanley)
The Day I Met Candace Cameron (Hayden Cobb)
Dude, Where’s my Inhaler? (Lyle Hannigan)
Records—
Mark Harvey and the Cabbage Worms –- Why Can’t We Be Ambidextrous?
DJ Sunflower Seed -- Shrimpin’ Aint Easy
The 3rd Cousins –- Live! With Heart Conditions
Jane Jay –- Orville Redenbacher
Tina Howard –- I Left My Love in the Amoco Men’s Room
Call Betsy and Vance 888-8185
Cabbage—
$3
Please, only serious offers.
Blake 777-1142
Personal Ads
The Lawsuit of Red "Billy" October (Gregory L. Ames)
Careful! (Part of the SURVIVAL SERIES) (Richmond Lanley)
The Day I Met Candace Cameron (Hayden Cobb)
Dude, Where’s my Inhaler? (Lyle Hannigan)
Records—
Mark Harvey and the Cabbage Worms –- Why Can’t We Be Ambidextrous?
DJ Sunflower Seed -- Shrimpin’ Aint Easy
The 3rd Cousins –- Live! With Heart Conditions
Jane Jay –- Orville Redenbacher
Tina Howard –- I Left My Love in the Amoco Men’s Room
Call Betsy and Vance 888-8185
Cabbage—
$3
Please, only serious offers.
Blake 777-1142
Personal Ads
Men seeking women
39 SWM Just returned from the war (on low prices, at work). Looking for some quick lovin’ ‘round back.Dexter box 99902
29 SBM Fourth marriage just ended, again. Never get re-married at a friend’s wedding. Trying to find Ms. Right. Call me.Wade box 63632
Hi.Ladanien box 41072
Not into the candles and all of the flowers and candy stuff. Looking for a woman. Must be 17 or over, I’ve been told.
Al box 38818
Women seeking men
I just need a man with a working car.Treena box 83880
SWF, 30-or-40ish. Have an enormous appetite for life, and Three Musketeers bars. Call me.Mary box 55571
I have several cats. Give me a call, maybe Maurey Povich is on, we could watch it together over the phone.
Kiesha box 70045
I’m not into playing games (except for roller hockey).
Patricia box 34829
39 SWM Just returned from the war (on low prices, at work). Looking for some quick lovin’ ‘round back.Dexter box 99902
29 SBM Fourth marriage just ended, again. Never get re-married at a friend’s wedding. Trying to find Ms. Right. Call me.Wade box 63632
Hi.Ladanien box 41072
Not into the candles and all of the flowers and candy stuff. Looking for a woman. Must be 17 or over, I’ve been told.
Al box 38818
Women seeking men
I just need a man with a working car.Treena box 83880
SWF, 30-or-40ish. Have an enormous appetite for life, and Three Musketeers bars. Call me.Mary box 55571
I have several cats. Give me a call, maybe Maurey Povich is on, we could watch it together over the phone.
Kiesha box 70045
I’m not into playing games (except for roller hockey).
Patricia box 34829
More news, but down here……
COLLEGE FOOTBALL TEAM TO PLAY WITHOUT GOALPOSTS
With the new football season less than two months away, the University of Cambley announced the removal of both of the goalposts at Art Genovese Anotelli-Angelo Field. There are several reasons for the change: the Fighting Ravens were last in the Southerland Football Conference last season in field goal attempts; in a recent poll, alumni hated the color yellow; and stadium officials would like to add additional seating in the end zones.
"When you think about it, we really don’t need them," said Cambley head coach, Early Bainbridge. "It’s an eyesore to see those things in the end zones and we haven’t won a big game in so long, I don’t even think our fans would know how to tear them down. Plus, our defense is gonna be outstanding."
Cambley has never won a Division Z football championship and last had a winning season in 1937. Bainbridge, in his 3rd year as head coach, enjoys cop shows, herbal tea and has been married twice.
The newsletter will provide constant updates on this story in co-operation with Cambley’s Hall Monitor Supervisor—sophomore, Gus Jankowski.
"Do you have a bathroom pass?" Jankowski said.
Next issue: the importance of impotence.
Next issue: the importance of impotence.
