Christmas Kurkindale
Volume B Issue 4
December 20, 2003
Editor-in-chief: Frederick P. Schmertz
Writers: Junior A. Sherman, Bog Piso
Santa Claus’ whereabouts exaggerator: Tiym Kaynworp
MALL SANTA UNDER THE MICROSCOPE AGAIN
For the third consecutive week a mall Santa Claus, Tony Armstrong, is in hot water. A group of parents who recently brought their children to see Armstrong have asked for his removal from the mall’s CHRISTMAS RECLINER. Most of the complaints involve Armstrong’s repeated use of the word fanny and his refusal to let certain children on his lap, forcing them to "sit Indian-style a few feet away", according to Charles Holloway, a second-grader from Montega Bay Elementary.
Armstrong, 44, is also not a proponent of elf-help. He generally fires up to five elves per holiday season and his elf turnover ratio is the highest in the nation.
Mall officials have few options and will probably have to stick with Armstrong, as most halfway-decent Santas don’t bother competing with the 15-year veteran.
"He’s too good," said Jeremy Mitchell, a mall Santa Claus for the past four years. "This is Tony’s turf."
Ramon Agular, a mall Santa since 1988, shares Mitchell’s sentiments: "I remember Christmas ’91. He asked every kid if they wanted a football and whether they wanted one or not, he got a quick picture and moved them along. He’s a pro."
Other, skinnier mall officials have said that Armstrong’s behavior might have something to do with the fact that the North Pole is located just a few feet away from Cinnabon. Claire James, a cashier at the restaurant, has turned Armstrong down for a date numerous times.
"I can’t go out with a mall Santa, do you know what my friends would say?" said James, 37, while cleaning frosting off of a display case.
So the future is uncertain for Armstrong, who won a Kringle Award in 1994 for most realistic beard. But one thing is certain: he will continue to take up two spaces in the mall parking lot with his ’88 Tercel.
Classifieds
Announcements
The brand new Christmas album from SURE! THAT’S WHAT I MIGHT REFER TO AS MUSIC is in stores now! Perfect for that special someone in your family. Including classic holiday songs—:
"Reindeer Polka"
"Whose baby-daddy’s this?"
"Shem Calloway the Snowman"
"Just who in the hell is Parson Brown?"
"Rent-controlled Manger"
"It’s beginning to look a lot like January"
"No More Figgy Pudding!"
Plus—
The brand new holiday jingle---
"Ya’ll can keep ‘em (my two front teeth)"
Call 777-7717 to order
Holiday Parties!!!
Come join us for our annual Christmas Party!
Saturday, December 20th at 14 Waymont Lane in Ceeder Valley
BYON (bring your own nog)
First ten to RSVP receive a free set of
Wise Men bobble head dolls!!
Call Rick and Diane 444-4466
Jenkins, Wallowitz and Stein Law Office Christmas Party
Friday, December 19th at 9PM
Special musical performance by Naked Mrs. Clause.
Not invited: Carl Manning, Terrell James and Grace Chadwick. You all know why.
The faculty at Huntington Middle School is throwing a holiday party on Sunday, December 21st
at Antonio’s House of Rigatoni and Dr. Pepper!!
9PM---???
???---4AM
Antonio’s is located on the corner of 38th Street and Garrison Avenue in downtown East Jipley-----Call 333-0202 to RSVP
"JOLLY OLD SAINT NICHOLAS" SCRATCHED FROM ELEMENTARY SCHOOL CHORUS CONCERT
In a startling move, Wednesday evening, the Danesmore Elementary School 5th grade chorus removed longtime favorite, "Jolly Old Saint Nicholas" from their holiday set list. Lead baritone, Eddie "Kickball King" Leonard, was partly responsible for the change, claiming during recess last Friday that the song "smells."
Soprano, Amy Granger, said the song was "so 4th grade chorus." She also said she had a crush on Leonard but didn’t know for sure if he liked her.
The song had been apart of the annual holiday concert for two decades but when the group was forced to choose between it and another traditional holiday favorite, "Who’s Makin’ an Egg Nog Run?" it was a no-brainer. Danesmore chorus teacher Paul Mayfield, who had final say in the set list, stood by his decision to eliminate "St. Nicholas."
"To be second guessed is part of this business and I don’t regret my decision. Some of the lyrics are a little outdated too, like, she thinks dolls are folly. Folly? What’s folly?" said Mayfield.
Despite the controversy the concert was a success as most of the parents in attendance were sober.
Next issue: Math hunks
December 20, 2003
December 12, 2003
Kurkindale Issue B3
K.D. Esperanza!
(Not affiliated with ‘The Kirk Ankerman Newsletter’)
VOLUME B ISSUE 3
December 12, 2003
Editor-in-Chief: Frederick P. Schmertz
Writers: Junior A. Sherman, Bog Piso
Recently fired: Lauren Vandermeer, Art Richey,
Dontavius Baxter
Since: 1998
Subscription: 138,427,002
Piddle ointment
1st ANNUAL RAP AWARDS HELD--CONSIDERED "A STRAIGHT-BITCHIN’ SUCCESS"
Lanley Beach--- Dozens gathered Tuesday evening at the Ross Quigly Center on Lanley Beach for the 1st annual Rap Awards. Nearly 20 in attendance claimed of an "OK time" and several others streaked. Munneybaggs was the biggest winner, capturing the first-ever Right Said Fred Award for Excellence and Best Supporting Actor in a Sequel to a Movie Based on a Top-Selling Album. Malt Licka’ attended the ceremony with his #3 Bitch, Hannah Beverley, and won for best album. The Biography of Pierre Gonkshaw was Licka’s 4th album in the past 2 months and it featured West Side Wally and the Blood Siphon Crew. The Crew didn’t appear at the ceremony, though a man that claimed to be "chill, chill" with the Safrasal-based group appeared on Licka’s behalf.
The North Minneapolis All Stars were in the structure, performing their #1 single, "Can’t get you out of my hoopdey." Later, the All Stars won for Chubbiest Roadie and accepted the award from their van.
Sideburns received the lifetime achievement award for his work during Thong Drive this past March.
And the war of words continued between West Coast record player salesman, Lonny Cheevers and East Coast costume designer, Angela Matthews. The two had a 3-year relationship (romantic) years ago and have disliked each other since. They exchanged un-pleasantries before the ceremony so Cheever’s mother, Patty, sat between them during the show.
Other award winners:
Best music video
"Stranded in Northern Ohio" by The Juicy Fruit Snatchers (director: Liesha Austum)
Most pairs of pants
Maureen Gordon
Best new artist
Petite Doug
Longest walk to stage
Timmy Shock and the Country Weebles
REPORT: NO ONE WANTS BANK LOLLIPOPS
From wire services
Lollipops’ two-decade run atop the bank-treat totem poll is apparently coming to an end. In a recent poll, nearly 95% of Americans who have a checking or savings account said they will never eat another bank lollipop again. The main reason is lack of choice as most customers would prefer a bite-size Milky Way or even a vegetable tray.
During the Sucker Frenzy of the early 80’s, many banks across the country adopted a lollipop-friendly atmosphere in attempts to combat the hair restoration advice table craze of most drugstores nationwide. But customers have grown tired of the same, old lollipops piled high in dilapidated Easter basket.
Plus not everyone is a fan of cherry.
"I can’t tell you how many times I’ve walked into a Bank of Montaga Bay and only had the option of red or green lollipops. I mean, not everyone is into red and green," said Thomas Wayne of Seedum County.
Many share Wayne’s frustration, though not his preference for shag carpeting.
This story will remain in its developing stages until new developments are made available.
Classifieds
FOR SALE
SETH’S ELECTRONICS BLOWOUT!!!
Used video games:
Knee Cap Crusher (Atardo Co.) $4
Make Your Own Pharmaceuticals (Atardo) $4
Guns N Bombs N Bomb-Guns (Claymen Inc.) $6
Robbing Hair Salons 2050 (Tin-Tin) $3
Mario Bros. In Law XI (Peebo Co.) $5
NBA Crooks 2004 (Claymen) $2
CD’s: (all $1)
Jonie Seville, Lies and Macaroni
Ian Manning, Whistle While You Spackle
The Burt Anderson Seven, Live! Without Pants
Amanda Gregory, Newark Benders
Tanya Fleming, Mug Shots of Uncle Calvin
Brant Iverson, Aluminum Siding
The Wonton Soups, I Think We Might Have Missed the Exit
VHS/DVD (all $2)
Rocky 6—-Apollo and Mickey and Rocky Jr. and Paulie and Hank
The Teen Wolf Collection (with director’s apologies)
Seth’s is located on Highway Ulmp! in Astolia County.
Sale ends January 1st!
Dave Coulier bobblehead doll $.38
Call Steve 444-0111
Personal Ads
Men seeking women
33 SWM. I live alone, eat alone and love alone.
Harland box #200281
Looking for a woman who appreciates proper sideburn maintenance.
Oliver box #000099
Women seeking men
Searching for that special, uncut someone.
Linda box #116671
I’m a young, type of woman (45) with a passion for men who have a passion for women who hold a desperate longing for men who don’t mind an old, wrinkled woman with four children, all under the age of seven. Call me—we’ll talk about the variety of microwavable dinners in my freezer and how much you can get paid per hour for babysitting.
Angie box #41410
Next issue: The music of Irving Daniels.
(Not affiliated with ‘The Kirk Ankerman Newsletter’)
VOLUME B ISSUE 3
December 12, 2003
Editor-in-Chief: Frederick P. Schmertz
Writers: Junior A. Sherman, Bog Piso
Recently fired: Lauren Vandermeer, Art Richey,
Dontavius Baxter
Since: 1998
Subscription: 138,427,002
Piddle ointment
1st ANNUAL RAP AWARDS HELD--CONSIDERED "A STRAIGHT-BITCHIN’ SUCCESS"
Lanley Beach--- Dozens gathered Tuesday evening at the Ross Quigly Center on Lanley Beach for the 1st annual Rap Awards. Nearly 20 in attendance claimed of an "OK time" and several others streaked. Munneybaggs was the biggest winner, capturing the first-ever Right Said Fred Award for Excellence and Best Supporting Actor in a Sequel to a Movie Based on a Top-Selling Album. Malt Licka’ attended the ceremony with his #3 Bitch, Hannah Beverley, and won for best album. The Biography of Pierre Gonkshaw was Licka’s 4th album in the past 2 months and it featured West Side Wally and the Blood Siphon Crew. The Crew didn’t appear at the ceremony, though a man that claimed to be "chill, chill" with the Safrasal-based group appeared on Licka’s behalf.
The North Minneapolis All Stars were in the structure, performing their #1 single, "Can’t get you out of my hoopdey." Later, the All Stars won for Chubbiest Roadie and accepted the award from their van.
Sideburns received the lifetime achievement award for his work during Thong Drive this past March.
And the war of words continued between West Coast record player salesman, Lonny Cheevers and East Coast costume designer, Angela Matthews. The two had a 3-year relationship (romantic) years ago and have disliked each other since. They exchanged un-pleasantries before the ceremony so Cheever’s mother, Patty, sat between them during the show.
Other award winners:
Best music video
"Stranded in Northern Ohio" by The Juicy Fruit Snatchers (director: Liesha Austum)
Most pairs of pants
Maureen Gordon
Best new artist
Petite Doug
Longest walk to stage
Timmy Shock and the Country Weebles
REPORT: NO ONE WANTS BANK LOLLIPOPS
From wire services
Lollipops’ two-decade run atop the bank-treat totem poll is apparently coming to an end. In a recent poll, nearly 95% of Americans who have a checking or savings account said they will never eat another bank lollipop again. The main reason is lack of choice as most customers would prefer a bite-size Milky Way or even a vegetable tray.
During the Sucker Frenzy of the early 80’s, many banks across the country adopted a lollipop-friendly atmosphere in attempts to combat the hair restoration advice table craze of most drugstores nationwide. But customers have grown tired of the same, old lollipops piled high in dilapidated Easter basket.
Plus not everyone is a fan of cherry.
"I can’t tell you how many times I’ve walked into a Bank of Montaga Bay and only had the option of red or green lollipops. I mean, not everyone is into red and green," said Thomas Wayne of Seedum County.
Many share Wayne’s frustration, though not his preference for shag carpeting.
This story will remain in its developing stages until new developments are made available.
Classifieds
FOR SALE
SETH’S ELECTRONICS BLOWOUT!!!
Used video games:
Knee Cap Crusher (Atardo Co.) $4
Make Your Own Pharmaceuticals (Atardo) $4
Guns N Bombs N Bomb-Guns (Claymen Inc.) $6
Robbing Hair Salons 2050 (Tin-Tin) $3
Mario Bros. In Law XI (Peebo Co.) $5
NBA Crooks 2004 (Claymen) $2
CD’s: (all $1)
Jonie Seville, Lies and Macaroni
Ian Manning, Whistle While You Spackle
The Burt Anderson Seven, Live! Without Pants
Amanda Gregory, Newark Benders
Tanya Fleming, Mug Shots of Uncle Calvin
Brant Iverson, Aluminum Siding
The Wonton Soups, I Think We Might Have Missed the Exit
VHS/DVD (all $2)
Rocky 6—-Apollo and Mickey and Rocky Jr. and Paulie and Hank
The Teen Wolf Collection (with director’s apologies)
Seth’s is located on Highway Ulmp! in Astolia County.
Sale ends January 1st!
Dave Coulier bobblehead doll $.38
Call Steve 444-0111
Personal Ads
Men seeking women
33 SWM. I live alone, eat alone and love alone.
Harland box #200281
Looking for a woman who appreciates proper sideburn maintenance.
Oliver box #000099
Women seeking men
Searching for that special, uncut someone.
Linda box #116671
I’m a young, type of woman (45) with a passion for men who have a passion for women who hold a desperate longing for men who don’t mind an old, wrinkled woman with four children, all under the age of seven. Call me—we’ll talk about the variety of microwavable dinners in my freezer and how much you can get paid per hour for babysitting.
Angie box #41410
Next issue: The music of Irving Daniels.
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