Kurkindale Issue B4

Christmas Kurkindale
Volume B Issue 4
December 20, 2003

Editor-in-chief: Frederick P. Schmertz
Writers: Junior A. Sherman, Bog Piso
Santa Claus’ whereabouts exaggerator: Tiym Kaynworp




MALL SANTA UNDER THE MICROSCOPE AGAIN

For the third consecutive week a mall Santa Claus, Tony Armstrong, is in hot water. A group of parents who recently brought their children to see Armstrong have asked for his removal from the mall’s CHRISTMAS RECLINER. Most of the complaints involve Armstrong’s repeated use of the word fanny and his refusal to let certain children on his lap, forcing them to "sit Indian-style a few feet away", according to Charles Holloway, a second-grader from Montega Bay Elementary.

Armstrong, 44, is also not a proponent of elf-help. He generally fires up to five elves per holiday season and his elf turnover ratio is the highest in the nation.

Mall officials have few options and will probably have to stick with Armstrong, as most halfway-decent Santas don’t bother competing with the 15-year veteran.

"He’s too good," said Jeremy Mitchell, a mall Santa Claus for the past four years. "This is Tony’s turf."

Ramon Agular, a mall Santa since 1988, shares Mitchell’s sentiments: "I remember Christmas ’91. He asked every kid if they wanted a football and whether they wanted one or not, he got a quick picture and moved them along. He’s a pro."

Other, skinnier mall officials have said that Armstrong’s behavior might have something to do with the fact that the North Pole is located just a few feet away from Cinnabon. Claire James, a cashier at the restaurant, has turned Armstrong down for a date numerous times.

"I can’t go out with a mall Santa, do you know what my friends would say?" said James, 37, while cleaning frosting off of a display case.

So the future is uncertain for Armstrong, who won a Kringle Award in 1994 for most realistic beard. But one thing is certain: he will continue to take up two spaces in the mall parking lot with his ’88 Tercel.





Classifieds


Announcements

The brand new Christmas album from SURE! THAT’S WHAT I MIGHT REFER TO AS MUSIC is in stores now! Perfect for that special someone in your family. Including classic holiday songs—:
"Reindeer Polka"
"Whose baby-daddy’s this?"
"Shem Calloway the Snowman"
"Just who in the hell is Parson Brown?"
"Rent-controlled Manger"
"It’s beginning to look a lot like January"
"No More Figgy Pudding!"


Plus—
The brand new holiday jingle---

"Ya’ll can keep ‘em (my two front teeth)"

Call 777-7717 to order



Holiday Parties!!!

Come join us for our annual Christmas Party!
Saturday, December 20th at 14 Waymont Lane in Ceeder Valley
BYON (bring your own nog)
First ten to RSVP receive a free set of
Wise Men bobble head dolls!!
Call Rick and Diane 444-4466


Jenkins, Wallowitz and Stein Law Office Christmas Party
Friday, December 19th at 9PM
Special musical performance by Naked Mrs. Clause.
Not invited: Carl Manning, Terrell James and Grace Chadwick. You all know why.


The faculty at Huntington Middle School is throwing a holiday party on Sunday, December 21st
at Antonio’s House of Rigatoni and Dr. Pepper!!
9PM---???
???---4AM

Antonio’s is located on the corner of 38th Street and Garrison Avenue in downtown East Jipley-----Call 333-0202 to RSVP





"JOLLY OLD SAINT NICHOLAS" SCRATCHED FROM ELEMENTARY SCHOOL CHORUS CONCERT

In a startling move, Wednesday evening, the Danesmore Elementary School 5th grade chorus removed longtime favorite, "Jolly Old Saint Nicholas" from their holiday set list. Lead baritone, Eddie "Kickball King" Leonard, was partly responsible for the change, claiming during recess last Friday that the song "smells."

Soprano, Amy Granger, said the song was "so 4th grade chorus." She also said she had a crush on Leonard but didn’t know for sure if he liked her.

The song had been apart of the annual holiday concert for two decades but when the group was forced to choose between it and another traditional holiday favorite, "Who’s Makin’ an Egg Nog Run?" it was a no-brainer. Danesmore chorus teacher Paul Mayfield, who had final say in the set list, stood by his decision to eliminate "St. Nicholas."

"To be second guessed is part of this business and I don’t regret my decision. Some of the lyrics are a little outdated too, like, she thinks dolls are folly. Folly? What’s folly?" said Mayfield.

Despite the controversy the concert was a success as most of the parents in attendance were sober.








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