Kurkindale Issue B3

K.D. Esperanza!
(Not affiliated with ‘The Kirk Ankerman Newsletter’)
VOLUME B ISSUE 3
December 12, 2003

Editor-in-Chief: Frederick P. Schmertz
Writers: Junior A. Sherman, Bog Piso
Recently fired: Lauren Vandermeer, Art Richey,
Dontavius Baxter
Since: 1998
Subscription: 138,427,002





Piddle ointment



1st ANNUAL RAP AWARDS HELD--CONSIDERED "A STRAIGHT-BITCHIN’ SUCCESS"
Lanley Beach--- Dozens gathered Tuesday evening at the Ross Quigly Center on Lanley Beach for the 1st annual Rap Awards. Nearly 20 in attendance claimed of an "OK time" and several others streaked. Munneybaggs was the biggest winner, capturing the first-ever Right Said Fred Award for Excellence and Best Supporting Actor in a Sequel to a Movie Based on a Top-Selling Album. Malt Licka’ attended the ceremony with his #3 Bitch, Hannah Beverley, and won for best album. The Biography of Pierre Gonkshaw was Licka’s 4th album in the past 2 months and it featured West Side Wally and the Blood Siphon Crew. The Crew didn’t appear at the ceremony, though a man that claimed to be "chill, chill" with the Safrasal-based group appeared on Licka’s behalf.

The North Minneapolis All Stars were in the structure, performing their #1 single, "Can’t get you out of my hoopdey." Later, the All Stars won for Chubbiest Roadie and accepted the award from their van.

Sideburns received the lifetime achievement award for his work during Thong Drive this past March.

And the war of words continued between West Coast record player salesman, Lonny Cheevers and East Coast costume designer, Angela Matthews. The two had a 3-year relationship (romantic) years ago and have disliked each other since. They exchanged un-pleasantries before the ceremony so Cheever’s mother, Patty, sat between them during the show.



Other award winners:

Best music video
"Stranded in Northern Ohio" by The Juicy Fruit Snatchers (director: Liesha Austum)

Most pairs of pants
Maureen Gordon

Best new artist
Petite Doug

Longest walk to stage
Timmy Shock and the Country Weebles





REPORT: NO ONE WANTS BANK LOLLIPOPS
From wire services

Lollipops’ two-decade run atop the bank-treat totem poll is apparently coming to an end. In a recent poll, nearly 95% of Americans who have a checking or savings account said they will never eat another bank lollipop again. The main reason is lack of choice as most customers would prefer a bite-size Milky Way or even a vegetable tray.

During the Sucker Frenzy of the early 80’s, many banks across the country adopted a lollipop-friendly atmosphere in attempts to combat the hair restoration advice table craze of most drugstores nationwide. But customers have grown tired of the same, old lollipops piled high in dilapidated Easter basket.

Plus not everyone is a fan of cherry.

"I can’t tell you how many times I’ve walked into a Bank of Montaga Bay and only had the option of red or green lollipops. I mean, not everyone is into red and green," said Thomas Wayne of Seedum County.

Many share Wayne’s frustration, though not his preference for shag carpeting.

This story will remain in its developing stages until new developments are made available.




Classifieds

FOR SALE

SETH’S ELECTRONICS BLOWOUT!!!

Used video games:
Knee Cap Crusher (Atardo Co.) $4
Make Your Own Pharmaceuticals (Atardo) $4
Guns N Bombs N Bomb-Guns (Claymen Inc.) $6
Robbing Hair Salons 2050 (Tin-Tin) $3
Mario Bros. In Law XI (Peebo Co.) $5
NBA Crooks 2004 (Claymen) $2

CD’s: (all $1)
Jonie Seville, Lies and Macaroni
Ian Manning, Whistle While You Spackle
The Burt Anderson Seven, Live! Without Pants
Amanda Gregory, Newark Benders
Tanya Fleming, Mug Shots of Uncle Calvin
Brant Iverson, Aluminum Siding
The Wonton Soups, I Think We Might Have Missed the Exit

VHS/DVD (all $2)
Rocky 6—-Apollo and Mickey and Rocky Jr. and Paulie and Hank
The Teen Wolf Collection (with director’s apologies)

Seth’s is located on Highway Ulmp! in Astolia County.
Sale ends January 1st!


Dave Coulier bobblehead doll $.38
Call Steve 444-0111



Personal Ads


Men seeking women

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Harland box #200281

Looking for a woman who appreciates proper sideburn maintenance.
Oliver box #000099


Women seeking men

Searching for that special, uncut someone.
Linda box #116671

I’m a young, type of woman (45) with a passion for men who have a passion for women who hold a desperate longing for men who don’t mind an old, wrinkled woman with four children, all under the age of seven. Call me—we’ll talk about the variety of microwavable dinners in my freezer and how much you can get paid per hour for babysitting.
Angie box #41410





Next issue: The music of Irving Daniels.