Kurkindale Issue B1

The Re-Filing of Kurkle and Dale
(Available in German by utilizing the ICH, HABS! button on your computer)
VOLUME B ISSUE 1
August 26, 2003

FOUNDER: Frederick P. Schmertz
EDITOR-IN-CHIEF: D.T. Stein
‘SORRY!’ COORDINATOR: Gordon Fibish
‘HASTA LA VISTA, BABY’ SAYER: Danielle Sanders
SWEET TEA HISTORIAN: Miles Delucia
LONG DIVISION: Maria Barnwell
WRITERS: Junior A. Sherman
Bog Piso



TODAY’S TOP STORIES



NEW SCHOOL YEAR BEGINS; RAINBOW-COLORED BUSES VOTED DOWN

All over america schools have opened for the new year, marking the 430th consecutive year this has happened. As usual, school supplies are a top priority as students purchase that last pen or marker that will most likely be used for bathroom stall graffiti.

With overcrowding becoming a major concern in schools nationwide, the addition of trailers becomes a necessity to accommodate the extra students. Over 60% of schools now have trailers and 35% of those are brown.

Most parents are ‘anti-trailer’ and ‘pro-complain,’ yet they’re being asked to encourage their child despite the overcrowding. Some encouragements that are being encouraged include the distribution of colorful "keep up the good work" buttons and attention.

Once again, attempts will be made to improve academics in schools this year. Administrators believe better teaching would be the best solution while teachers believe a more sober administration would. Teaching has been steadily declining in america since the early 1850’s and experts believe that decline will continue.

Other experts believe similarly.

But the students maintain a responsibility as well. Most students don’t enjoy school and some are clueless as to where school is actually located. As a result new reward programs are being introduced this year for students who excel. Some of the programs include: ‘A Weekend with your Gym Teacher,’ ‘Take your Remote Controlled Car to School Day’ and ‘Cigarettes.’ Meanwhile the severity on punishments will increase as most schools have brought back ruler whipping and long distance running.




BOY LIGHTS HAND ON FIRE, BLAMES TV SHOW DUM-DUM; PARENTS RUSH HOME FROM VACATION

Palley---For the third time in as many months a young lad in Palley has played with fire and gotten b.u.r.n.e.d (burned). Travis Huntley, 14, was found by a neighbor and checked into Palley Medical with 2nd degree burns. He blamed the show, Dum-Dum and its host Von James, after seeing their ‘Torch Tom’ skit. The commercial break might have saved Travis Huntley’s life as the ‘Skateboard off buildings into Feces’ stunt was coming up.

The boy’s parents, Ike and Priscilla Huntley, were vacationing most everywhere when they heard the news and took the first flight home to see their young son. Priscilla barely got to taste her glass of Dsha’Vindare wine at dinner.

The Huntleys had purchased a satellite dish just weeks before their vacation to "add onto the bridge overseeing their generation gap," according to the family’s butler/uncle, Morris.

"We got him his own remote control AND holster and this is how he thanks us?!" said Priscilla while returning a shot against the Vanlake sub-division in the round robin tennis tournament last Thursday. Ike Huntley refused comment.

Travis is resting comfortably with burns to the hand and wrist. He also has a math worksheet due in three days.

The newsletter will stay with the worksheet and provide up-to-the-minute reports regarding any fraction involvement.



Classifieds


FOR SALE


Mashed potatoes.
Hearty portion.
$1
Call Ned 444-0001

Peter Jr.
Age 5
Enjoys watching Captain Hesitant cartoons.
Sleeps about a half hour per day.

$15 or best offer
Call Diane and Kenny 777-8825

Selling used books

Hillary Corrola Dennis Haskins
Hayden Cobb A Day with Vanilli; A Day with Milli
Maurice Reynolds Learn to Power Walk
Janice Lynch The Collected Poetic Works of Irv Caldwell
Norclave Publishing SKETCHES by Dave Coulier
Patty Garrison HEARTHROB BOOKS:
Danny Bonaduche (#HT41)

ALL 7 FOR $.95
call Gary 777-8840




Personal Ads



Men seeking women

37, SWM. Pretty good at driving with my knee. Looking for a woman with 2+ years of Christmas caroling experience.
Ryan box #86103

Trying to find a woman to bring to my 25-year high school reunion so I don’t have to go with my mother, Blanche. Call me.
Chaz box #22227

I enjoy Jonie Seville records, impersonating elevator repairmen and milk carton expiration date arguments. Would like to finally meet a woman with all her limbs.
Thomas box #27773

Will provide criminal record if necessary.
Harrison box #11001

Women seeking men

Come make some babies with me, it’ll be easy.
Mary box #88889

I’m completely devoted to the lord, our savior, Latoya Jackson. Call for directions to my house, among other things.
Linda box #42428


Tie me up with chicken wire
Will provide chicken wire.


Alan box #10105




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Next issue: Making the Christian Rock video.